It's been a while since I've written down my thoughts. I guess when you get into the downward spiral, even words are not enough to exhume the pain away. That familiar zone can drain the life out of you. And the traumatic effect makes you weak inside out.
When you're fed up on waiting....sometimes you decide on plain surrender that perhaps there's no such thing as "the one". Then you just let it all go...when there's an opportunity.
But then, if i look back again....everything just happened. I didn't expect it. although for some reason, i saw it coming. I just didn't stop. I just didn't put up the walls i usually have. I allowed my vulnerability get the better of me.
The fire..the intensity. The touch. the kiss. the urge. All flared up. not once, but twice.
i thought he was different from the rest. i thought he was special. i thought all he said were sweet and true. i thought he was cute with his blue eyes and charming smile.
i guess i was wrong. for all the adjectives , except for the physical attributes.
honestly, i still don't understand men. They can go without emotions. They can "do" without feeling. How?
The last time I saw him was when he waved goodbye at the carpark. Him and his gorgeous Honda Bike. HIs blue eyes peered out of his helmet as his gloved hand bid my "goodbye". that was it.
I never heard back from him again. I did try to communicate, had a few exchanges, but when i asked for dinner (which might have sounded asking for a serious relationship)....i didn't get any response at all.
that was it. it's been almost a month now. Everything happened so fast. in the span of a week all of that "casual" thing happened. Over the past weeks..I was crashed.
I ended up deleting his number and his messages. Cleared up my call log so i didn't have excuse to find ways of finding his number on my cellphone.
it drove me crazy for days and weeks. There were nights (And still now) that I hear the motorbikes roaring mufflers in the neighborhood and wish that he would text and say that's him downstairs. all of these thoughts just die down as I find slumber through the night.
I was vulnerable. I wanted to be needed. I needed to be wanted. Desired. HE said the right words. He kissed my shoulders with every move I make that rose him up. We talked before closing our eyes, we talked as we woke up.
I guess it was the scenario that I liked. Having someone at the start and end of the day. But perhaps if i was really in a serious relationship with him now...i guess it wouldn't have worked. He's 10 years younger than me. Made me feel like a Puma (not a Cooger). But I have a gut instinct that he lied about his age. HE thought I was 22, until he learned the truth...that caught him by surprise.
The other day I biked towards southwest...and on the other side of the road I saw a biker give me a long glance. I'm sure it wasn't him, but still it gave me goose bumps. Sydney can be a big place...but....i can't see myself bumping into him again.
Some of my friends ask me "what if he calls/texts again". I can't really answer that question. For sure he wouldn't. coz they say if a guy is into you....he wouldn't even let a week pass by without communicating. but this one....it's been 3 weeks now. so that's it.
This was my first encounter. My First time. In a foreign country where I'm still finding myself...my footing.
I don't know if i'm stronger now. Perhaps if i encounter a smooth talker, i won't fall for the mind games anymore. nor even for the blue eyes, charming smile...nor even for a gorgeous bike.
This is still me..surviving the first time.
