When taking Care of one's self

Don't get me wrong. I do love my independence, my singleton lifestyle, my own silence.

But there are mornings when I stand by the cooking stove that I suddenly get nudged by the tired feeling of taking care of myself.

is it just me or is age hitting me now....

there are times when i tell myself that "space" is what i need.

but when loneline hits me, i just hope someone is taking care of me for a change.

The Sudden Surge (Biglaan)

Hiccup. Hold on to the tears.
Sob. Can’t… need to allow it all to flow.
Sigh. When the phase of acceptance is the only liberation from the pain..perhaps…eventually..time will tell.

You hear a familiar tune on your mp3 player then a sudden gush of memories all flows back. Muddled up emotions of anger and pain swells up in your throat……can’t swallow…..as if you’ve consumed so much anguish to push it down…

You wallow for a while. Sometimes joke with friends that you’ve got that invisible “L” (Loser) sign on your forehead….laugh it out…. But deep inside thats what you feel about yourself.

Asking yourself what have you done to deserve that, when all you did was love so much……..is that a crime? Punishable with scars of betrayal and unwanted self preservation.

Warp back to reality.

And leave the momentary anguish of memories.



6 Cycle Mind – Biglaan (Permission to Shine)

Nandito nakaukit pa rin sa puso ko,
Nang sabihin mong wag na lang.
Nandito nakatatak pa rin sa isip ko,
Kung paano mong tinalikuran ang lahat.

Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss

Na bigla lang di ko man lamang nalaman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla lang di mo man lamang naisip
Na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.

Hindi ba natin kayang magkunwari,
at sabihing sige na lang
Hindi ba natin kayang dayain,
Ang mga yakap sa tuwing lumalambing

Kay bilis ba't umalis, nakakamiss

Na bigla lang di ko man lamang nalaman
Na mawawala,
Na bigla lang di mo man lamang naisip
Na idahan-dahan.
Hindi ako sanay sa biglaan,
Unti unti na lang sanang nawala.

First Time in The Sando

I didn’t know what to expect. I had to gulp the anticipation and nervous feelings down. I got off the bus and walked to the Sandringham Hotel – or better well known as “The Sando”.

The stage was to the left of the door. A girl and guy were playing when I came in. The audience was quiet and attentively listening. I liked the vibe. 

I got my fave Stella Artois and found a corner with my guitar. The girls’ voice was lovely and the guys’ guitar skills were entertaining. The pool table was at the back end of the room, which was good coz it didn’t bother the performers at all.

The next performer was one of the regulars. His white hair glistened under the lights as he played on stage. I enjoyed his grooves and music. A few love songs and one about his travels. Jade joined in and did some harmonies with him. Definitely cool, had me tapping my feet to the rhythm.

I was next.

Plugged in my guitar and got introduced. I guess the Stella and the Heini helped a lot to soften up the nervous veins and minimize the shyness. I told the crowd that was my first open mic in Sydney…in Australia for that matter.

I started slow and quiet with my song Smoking Ashes. An original written about a nice of catching up with my best mate in New Zealand. That was a good warm up for me to start the night.

Next was a personal fave of mine, I’ve entitled Sanctuary. Inspired by one of my road trip moments whilst in South Island, NZ.

And the last one,..Save Me. I closed my eyes and let my fingers do the tapping and strumming, as I slowly got lost in the music. (I had to do a cover song after that one though)

There is so much beauty in music. The passion relives its moments when you allow the notes and the emotions flow in through the rhythm. The voices of one’s soul reserved and epitomized in each melody… the best way to harmonize the feelings.

I stayed for a while and listened to the next performer. Loved her voice and was impressed by the guys’ guitar skills.

I left happy and contented… glad that I got a lot of feedback from a few of the audiences that night & glad to have heard and be part of the Sydney’s Muso’s world….

I guess this goes out to all of those people out there with “passion” for the arts, music, painting, writing. Etc…

Strive to make it part of your life and don’t ever put it aside. Breaks are acceptable.

For me, all I know is…music defines me. It has and always will be.

So Cheers to all the Muso’s out there!

Rock on!!

Of books, coffee and antiquities

a delight that I’m so willing to share in the suburb I’m living in…is a book café I’ve discovered along Glebe Pt. Road. It’s well known as Sappho. http://www.sapphobooks.com.au/index.html

I’ve chosen my spot there. A small 2-seat table beside the window and a whole shelf of books. Convenient to the water station and the café, there I sit anonymous to the crowd, reading and flipping through different books that fancies my interest. For a few hours I feel I’m brought into a different dimension. A world of words enticed by the authors’ superb storytelling.

First level contains all of the non-fiction, fiction, travel and a variety of interesting books. Second level of this charming book café holds a whole section of musical scores, manuscripts and pieces. Ranging from jazz, pop, rock and classical. The other side keeps the philosophy and aboriginal volumes.

Books hold endless and priceless amounts of information. So, if you get to drop by the Glebe area, that’ s definitely a café to check out. 

Have a happy week ahead everyone despite the showers and gray clouds. 

When Silence Defeats it's Purpose

January 4, 2011. 5:30 pm.

I received an email from an ex-colleague of mine. A devastating news that still haunts me even to this day.

When one goes through stress, depression and then the silence is unbearable....that thin line between breathing and letting go seems to recede into the temptations of taking one's life. Until, that in itself exhumes one's soul of living.

It was my first time to have known someone who got into the perils of that situation. I just heard of his death a day before his funeral. I think "sad" is an understatement. I was bothered. Nobody at first knew the cause of death. Until I received an email from one of our friends.

When breathing becomes an act of survival and not enough to justify one's existence, I guess death seems to be the only way to go....for some. I didn't ask for details...I guess I didn't want to. We all have our own limitations and ways of dealing with issues and problems. The sadness that comes from it is the question..Could anyone have saved him? am I even in the position to ask that question? Who am I to dare think that nobody ever tried?

What really confines a person to the thought of living and moving on? What urges us to wake up to mornings and look forward to another day? They say having a partner and your own family defines the ultimate need to live.. But how about those who are broken hearted nor needless to say, those who haven't even met a partner and is still lost in the crossroads of life?

emotion is what makes us human, they say. But what if you've hit the abyss of despair and the emotions are unbearable?

Earlier I wrote I felt the silence, which i connected to happiness and contentment.

I guess for this situation, his silence has defeated the purposes of peace...instead, it was the aftermath of his life's depression....

To my ex-colleague, mentor and friend... may your soul rest in peace. and wherever you are, I hope you find in your heart and soul to forgive everything/everyone, so you may find the peaceful silence you deserve.

I didn't really want to

i remembered 4 years ago when I said with conviction that I couldn't see myself living or moving to Australia. All because of the stereotyped Ozzie and the racism that they entail. And when it comes to racism, I can be super sensitive about it.

And look where I am now. Geez. That's why they say be careful, coz you might eat what you say.

Honestly, after a year of looking for a job here, and finally living in this society, I don't really know what will befall of me. All I know is I'm here for a reason.

I remember a friend of mine once told me that we only hang on to the saying "Everything happens for a reason", just for the sake of. But i beg to disagree. Our mere existence speaks loudly that we are here not just for ourselves and personal gain, but for a purpose. and that we are all entwined by a high power, to coexist. AS to how, and to what extent, I can't really say.

we can only attest to the "reason" ... in time.....and in Retrospect. When we glance back after the struggles or serendipity, that's when we realize a lof of situations which has actually brought us where we are right now.

Still, there lies the Freedom of Choice...as what God has bestowed upon us. But just as the writer Jonathan Livingstone has written in one of his acclaimed books, One....there's a parallel to each of the decisions we opt for.

For each choice we make, there's an avenue that slowly builds up. So wether we choose bad or good, it all entails a different future...
There is fate based on how we act and react. Laws of nature.

And so, here I am. slowly getting into the swing things. Creating a new life, a new chapter.

I guess that's what makes adults different from kids. When you watch kids get together, even if they dont' know each other, they don't know the term "hesitation"....rather, they just go for it and play. We adults, due to the widely known fact that experiences builds walls or maybe bridges for us, all of those of our past hones us into what and how we are towards other people.

Amazing...life..

My Mr. Band Aid Man (Angel in Disguise)

To continue my story(as requested by Missy Foy)

I found myself the usual internet cafe near my office. Right along the wynyard station. a few flight of steps to the basement was where it all happened.

As you all know i've been torturing myself with my new black 2-inch heels. So that entailed a lot of blisters, both left and right. ew!

I didn't get his name. All I knew was he was the guy with the cute smile who would always wink. His eyes were so sweet and caring.

I borrowed the key to the toilet. He accompanied me instead, and put a paper roll. There were 2 there when I got it. dont know what the extra roll was for. Anyway, he saw me limping and asked if i was okay. Then I showed him the blisters. He looked concerned.

I walked back to my computer and gave back the key. There he was behind the counter with a box of band aids and a so hot smile. I smiled back, amazed.

He approached me and I reached out for the band aids. He signalled no, instead... kneeled and put the band aids on the wounds. WAHHHHHH. WHAT THE?!?!?!
I could smell his hair.....his eyes were so caring......and i said thank you....

My Angel in Disguise.

Before christmas, I left a note and a small token for him. I don't know how much of English he knows. But anyway, it didn't matter. I said....it's good to know that there are still people out there with genuine concern. :)

Maybe one of these days i'll try to pass by that internet cafe again :)

Sassy, Sexy, Successful and Single

Welcome to the world of Singledom!

I was walking along Pitt st. the other day and came across a second hand bookshop.
and then saw this amazing book. "How to be Sassy, Successful and Single" by an Australian writer Sue Ostler.

The world of Singledom.

I was smiling whilst reading the book. How smart and witty..words of encouragement that makes you realize that being single is not so bad after all.

You Made My Day

There’s this song that I soulfully sing when my feelings hit the pinnacles of mixed emotions. Usually I would sing this in a church I would come across during my travels.. my own way of paying homage. Sometimes I sing it on top of a hill with curious sheep staring at me in the background. It has always been my way of talking to Him. I know that despite short of words to utter the appropriate adjectives to describe the pain/happiness, He would still understand…and hear it through the frailty of my voice.

This morning I passed by St. Andrews Church, a place that now serves as my sanctuary in Sydney.
The morning light beamed through the window pane, designed with lovely drawings. The silence was assuring and comforting.

I walked silently along the aisle and kneeled, whispered my thoughts…. And sang the song…..
It never fails to hit my emotions whenever I sing it. A widely known song by Gary Valenciano, “Lead Me Lord”.

I bowed my head and said my last prayer then stood up.

a lady was praying a few pews away from me. bEfore I could exit the church, she looked at me, and with teary eyes said, “Thank you. You made My Day”. I didn’t know what to say. I smiled and said “No worries”. Apparently, Whilst I was singing, she was there, listening. I didn’t have the guts to say everything will be okay. IT seemed cliché to utter those words. I wanted to pat her on the shoulder, a sign of saying….just have faith. But Instead, I respected her space. Whatever she’s going through, I hope and pray that she goes through it fine.

In a way, those words made my day too. Knowing that somehow, in my way of expressing my emotions, I’ve reached out to someone unknowingly.

There is beauty in coexisting……..

Trust or not to Trust?

That is the question.

I can say I'm gullible. But i would also want to believe that there is still genuine care out there and initial intentions would not be malicious as such during the first few encounters.

He delivered my bed frame, picked me up from the hotel, carried my stuff and assembled the bed. Even helped me place the sheets.

At first he didn't have enough eye contact, which definitely told me something. His body language also gave me different signals. But I found him kind and harmless. I bought dinner and helped him assemble the bed whilst chatting.

I got the impression he just wanted to have someone to hang out with since his mates were all married and had kids. He's 41 and still living with his mom. Well, he said he moved back in after a 4-year relationship ended to capoot.

I don't know why I trusted him so much. The following day I ended up getting in the car and having a joyride the whole evening. 4-5 hours on the ride down south of Sydney. Crazy? yeah, that's what all my friends tell me. He showed me the outskirts of Sydney, where the Pacific waves crashed against the shores of Wollonggong. The sunset was amazing and I loved the fact that I could see more than just the city scapes of New south Wales.

I never heard back from him after I told him that he didn't need to drop by a tv stand anymore. That he has done so much already and I appreciate it.

Part of me got scared and glad that he hasn't contacted anymore. But part of me still think that he wasn't dodgy. Perhaps just lonely and needed company.

During those moments I was with him, I guess the need to feed that emptiness for him has given me the courage to join him in that road trip. Honestly, I think it was more of because I suddenly pictured myself at that age, possibly still single and couldn't even find someone else to enjoy the ride with.

At some point in life, regardless of the independence someone has, there will always be a point when you'd look at the passenger seat beside you, hoping that you could share the emotions or the awe in each sunset that you catch a glimpse on.

And when I saw the loneliness in his eyes, I don't know if it's right to say that I felt pity for him. Or perhaps, I can say, I pitied myself if in case I end up in the same spot 10 years from now.

one thing though i made it clear to him. I made sure that he didn't get an impression that we were on a date or something. I've got this 1 year rule. No dating, no falling in love, no crushes.

I can't. I can't afford to spoil this. This that I've started. The life that I want. Just Me. Loving myself to the fullest.not thinking of anyone else. not living up to expectations. Just mine. I can't let any heartbreak or ache spoil this anymore. I know at the end of the day everything would be based on what i choose to be. However, it's always easier said than done. I'd rather take a bite of the apple, and take precautionary measures. Protect myself and heal the wounds. only then would i be ready to love and share myself again.

As for him, I hope wherever he is, and if his intentions were good towards me..... that he's just fine....and would find himself the someone to share his sunsets with.

Coincidence

I was at the Stables on a New Year's Day. At my fave table, drinking my Stella.

From afar I heard a guy said, "that must be coincidence. She was also there. Same place where I was."

I couldn't help but to ponder. Coincidence. Perhaps it is. Hard to discern though. Often times people would want to think of it as a mere coincidence of events rather than indulge in the thought "meant to be". I guess men can shrug things off faster than women. Us girls love to dwell and fantasize in the idea that episodes like that would mean you are where you're supposed to be. And then that's where the love fairytale begins. yikes.

hellow?? knock knock. And that's when our "fall" begins.

My way of Christmas Eve

Unlike everyone, my Christmas Eve was soOoo eventful. Hmm, for a while there, I think that was an understatement.

Christmas Eve had 2 different visits to the Doctor.

1 in the morning found me buying 2 inhalers, 1 with steroids, and to top it up, I had to drink antibiotics. HA!

1 in the afternoon found me with 3 stitches on my index finger.

How's that for a Christmas Eve celebration???

Me, Myself and I....in Sydney.

oh, and don't forget my DVD's ;)

That Was, and Is to be

I listened to the haunting sound of the harmonica and thought to myself at that very moment about all of the ideas and realizations I’ve been having for the past weeks. From afar I watched the gentleman place his lips on that small instrument and play. It was the same tune he performed on Christmas Day. That was just 5 days ago.

I wake up to mornings with the sound of a local bird yet to be researched as I haven’t familiarized myself with the Ozzie fauna. It would always be a distinctive call from outside my window as I stare at the dancing branches of my neighbours’ tree. It’s amazing how I’ve quickly blended in. My flexibility seemed to have peaked, perhaps a result from my collection of travels. On my fourth week, I’ve immediately attuned myself to my local suburb and established fave spots to make it homey for me.

There has been this silence for the past few days. I can’t even describe it. Maybe this is what they call peace of mind. Despite my shortage of funds and need to budget even the slightest expense, I still look around me and smile in gratitude. Every day when I get out of work and walk along Martin Place, listening to the buskers…. I carry that smile with me. I am full of Appreciation for this opportunity, support from my family and for the people who have helped me during my first few weeks, old and new friends and most especially those who I’ve tagged as my “angels in disguise”.

For how long can I sustain that smile is another whole dimension of “settling in” this society..possibly a question that I’m not ready to dwell in. I would say it’s all a matter of choice. For now, I’d like to enjoy this phase.

So how did I start this journey? What is there that I haven’t really written about that I don’t even know where to begin?

The first 2 weeks happened so fast. I arrived December 5, a Sunday. I Found myself lodged by my employer in the Northern part of Sydney, safe and posh, living up to its reputation.

Every morning I would catch the bus and stare at the beauty of the Opera House as we cross the Harbour Bridge. Wynyard Station has served as my focal point. The sound of my heels on the same sidewalk blended in with the hurried steps of other corporate employees.

I eventually learned the art of painting my face, or what they call “make-up”. Some days I still can’t believe that I’ve got myself getting used to it. The mascara, eyelash curler, lipstick, foundation and blush-on. Hey, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do right? Again, pinch me. I’m in Sydney. Long gone are the days when I could just put my hair up, wear my comfy worn-out sneakers and feel relaxed in my jeans. This time I have to wear my suite or office attire, 5 days a week. And that means punishing my feet with heels. All for the sake of fashion. One night it ended up all bruised, and an angel in disguise was so kind enough to kneel and place band-aids on my wounds.

For days I stressed looking for a flat. In retrospect, it took me a while to accept the fact that rental is ridiculously expensive in Sydney. I guess I should have asked the agents to Pinch Me as a reminder. I was supposed to have shared a flat with a family, which did not work out the way I expected it to. What’s funny about it was, I already pictured myself living in that house, looking forward to the funky eccentric design. My plans of moving out that 2nd weekend turned out to be an extension in the place where I was staying in. Don’t ask me how much they charged for that. They had me booked only till Christmas Eve. From then on I booked myself in a hostel in downtown.

Although I’ve had this realization in the past, from time and time again, there will always be the same episode that would make you go, “yup, here we go again”. When circumstances change out of your control and things don’t work the way you want it to, acceptance plays a major role and all you can do is have faith that there’s something else in store for you. It just doesn’t apply in major crossroads. I have adopted that kind of thinking on a daily basis, believing that things happen for a reason. Sometimes it takes a while though.

Survival. It has always been the key. I didn’t have enough time nor energy to dwell on what didn’t work out although I admit I got pissed off with that owner. All I knew was I had to find a place before new year. Settle in and chill from the stress of scouting for a flat. I ended up in a different suburb, Between 4-6 km southwest of CBD. In a span of a week and a half , I’ve learned to love the area. I’ve known it to be Forest Lodge, but apparently is widely identified as Glebe.

I’ve now found the local Video rental shop just a few meters from my place. The caretaker has started to recognize me now. Perhaps my frequent visits retained my face in his memory. Well, the DVD’s has kept me company this holiday season.  I’ve also found myself my fave pub, The Stables. Just a hundred meters from my place too. On a hot sunny day when I’m up for a long walk from the other side of Glebe, I would get off the bus early and stop by the Stables. Grab myself a beer (the beer of the month is the cheapest), and find myself a spot away from the noisy crowd who would endlessly talk about sports. There in the corner, I would gulp my booze and read on my stuff.

To do groceries I would usually walk 2 km to the closest supermarket. I’ve tried different routes back and forth. One side you’ll see the beautiful University of Sydney, the other side you’ll enjoy the stroll along the café and bookshop culture along Glebe Pt. Road. Today I found myself an amazing coffee bookshop. 

I’ve slowly learned to feel safe and comfortable in this area of Glebe. For the next 6 months this will serve as home. I’ve filled in my flat with the stuff that I want to have and go home to. A few things second hand, a few from boxing day sales and a coffee table that I’ve sneakily collected from my neighbours’ garbage collection. Haha. Of course, I couldn’t stop myself from buying candles too (oops).

My dream is slowly materializing. The picture that I’ve placed in my mind a year ago is now shaping to be my life. There has been so many things that I’ve listed to remind myself about the plans I’ve put in place for me as part of this journey. All I need to do is to put my heart, mind and soul into it. Not allowing anyone to spoil even a fraction of what I’m building right now. I describe this to be my bubble. And I hope I can keep it that way for now. Until the self-improvement phase that I want to achieve has culminated.

Right now, I hold on to the silence. I guess I can also call it the state of contentment and happiness. 