That is the question.
I can say I'm gullible. But i would also want to believe that there is still genuine care out there and initial intentions would not be malicious as such during the first few encounters.
He delivered my bed frame, picked me up from the hotel, carried my stuff and assembled the bed. Even helped me place the sheets.
At first he didn't have enough eye contact, which definitely told me something. His body language also gave me different signals. But I found him kind and harmless. I bought dinner and helped him assemble the bed whilst chatting.
I got the impression he just wanted to have someone to hang out with since his mates were all married and had kids. He's 41 and still living with his mom. Well, he said he moved back in after a 4-year relationship ended to capoot.
I don't know why I trusted him so much. The following day I ended up getting in the car and having a joyride the whole evening. 4-5 hours on the ride down south of Sydney. Crazy? yeah, that's what all my friends tell me. He showed me the outskirts of Sydney, where the Pacific waves crashed against the shores of Wollonggong. The sunset was amazing and I loved the fact that I could see more than just the city scapes of New south Wales.
I never heard back from him after I told him that he didn't need to drop by a tv stand anymore. That he has done so much already and I appreciate it.
Part of me got scared and glad that he hasn't contacted anymore. But part of me still think that he wasn't dodgy. Perhaps just lonely and needed company.
During those moments I was with him, I guess the need to feed that emptiness for him has given me the courage to join him in that road trip. Honestly, I think it was more of because I suddenly pictured myself at that age, possibly still single and couldn't even find someone else to enjoy the ride with.
At some point in life, regardless of the independence someone has, there will always be a point when you'd look at the passenger seat beside you, hoping that you could share the emotions or the awe in each sunset that you catch a glimpse on.
And when I saw the loneliness in his eyes, I don't know if it's right to say that I felt pity for him. Or perhaps, I can say, I pitied myself if in case I end up in the same spot 10 years from now.
one thing though i made it clear to him. I made sure that he didn't get an impression that we were on a date or something. I've got this 1 year rule. No dating, no falling in love, no crushes.
I can't. I can't afford to spoil this. This that I've started. The life that I want. Just Me. Loving myself to the fullest.not thinking of anyone else. not living up to expectations. Just mine. I can't let any heartbreak or ache spoil this anymore. I know at the end of the day everything would be based on what i choose to be. However, it's always easier said than done. I'd rather take a bite of the apple, and take precautionary measures. Protect myself and heal the wounds. only then would i be ready to love and share myself again.
As for him, I hope wherever he is, and if his intentions were good towards me..... that he's just fine....and would find himself the someone to share his sunsets with.
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